As a child, I longed for my parents' love. They were both alcoholics, and after my father left our family, my mother turned her rage on one of their four sons. I happened to be that one.

My mother constantly blamed me for “messing up” and referred to me as “It”. Her anger increased over the next few years as she hit me and denied me food. When I was eight years old, she punished me by holding my arm over the burning flames of our kitchen stove.

Eventually I was so badly abused by her that I could no longer explain away the bruises on my face and body to my teachers or school nurse. At the age of twelve, I was taken out of my home and placed in foster care.

My second wife Marsha was the first person to say: “God loves you, Dave. I love you too and I believe in you!” Hearing those words, I started crying uncontrollably. I felt the joy of being loved. This wonderful woman loved me, a man who for much of his life felt that he was unworthy of love.

Marsha and I began in a working relationship at a distance. I lived in California, and she lived in Florida. She was working as the editor of a book I had written, and we talked over the phone daily. I began to open up to her in ways I had never been able to open up to any other person. We took baby steps in building a friendship and in building our trust in each other.

We met for the first time when I invited her to California. Ready to test the waters, we wanted to know if there was a possibility for more than friendship between us. Holding a single yellow rose, I met Marsha at the airport. She later told me that her heart was pounding so that she thought she was going to pass out. When she saw me, everything and everyone else faded away. Right then and there she said to herself, “This is the man I'm going to marry!”

She was right. We married, and she became the director of a company that I had just started. Our marriage was tested, because the money just wasn't there in the beginning. We placed ourselves and our lives in God's hands. Once the books started selling, we actually had an income.

My message in my books and in my talks is about resilience and responsibility. Many people have had tremendous issues in their past, but they have been resilient and responsible enough to leapfrog over them.

True, I was abused as a child. My mother would not let me speak at home, so I mumbled. Being resilient and taking the responsibility for my own life, I have written four best-selling books and I speak to audiences all over the country. I have learned Japanese and Russian, and I do stand-up comedy. Yet I believe in simply focusing on doing the best job I can do. My job is helping others know that they can turn their lives around also.

I check in with myself every day, praying that I am doing the right thing for the right reasons. I wish I could discover the cure for cancer or find a way to feed all the people of the world, but what I do is bring a message of resilience and responsibility to the arena of child abuse.

Parents come up to me at book signings and lectures and tell me that, after reading my book A Child Called “It,” they can't wait to give their kids a hug. Teenagers tell me that when they put the book down, they immediately go to their parents and say: “Mom, Dad, I love you! And I am going to clean up my room.”

When I received the "TOYA" the Ten Outstanding Young Americans award (the equivalent of an Oscar for good samaritans) I walked onto a stage in front of over 2500 people and didn't know what to say. Someone had suggested that I accept the award using my flair for comedy by doing my impression of former President Bush. When I opened my mouth to speak, however, I spoke from my heart, as me. And something like this came out:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I would be sorely remiss if I did not pay homage to the people who played such a vital role in my life. I wish to dedicate this award to my grade school principal, teachers, and nurse, all of whom, on March 5, 1973, intervened and saved me from further harm. They risked their jobs, their livelihood, by speaking out to authorities about my being abused. They saved my life.

“I also want to dedicate this award to my social workers, who stood by me even though just hours before going to court I recanted every statement I had made about being abused by my mother. I want to recognize my foster parents, who taught me how to walk and to talk and encouraged me to be the best person I could be.

“If it were not for these people, only God knows where I would be today. People make a difference. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, let's observe a moment of silence and thank God for who we are and what we have right now, today.”

I had not planned to say all this, but I felt as if God had given me a message to share. After a moment of silence, I walked out of the spotlight and off the stage. The audience remained silent. Then there was thunderous applause. I knew they had heard the message: We can all make a positive difference in the lives of children.

I look back at my mom and our relationship and recognize it as the tragedy it was. I don't believe that people wake up one morning and decide to be alcoholics. Neither do loving, caring parents suddenly decide to beat their children. Desperate acts such as these leach out of people because of their unresolved issues.

My mom obviously had some unresolved issues that showed up in her as alcoholism, frustration, and anger. Often child abuse is passed down from one generation to another, but I decided to leave this planet cleaner than I found it in my own childhood. I think we all have responsibilities as parents, spouses, and members of humanity. I carried the cross of abuse during my childhood, but my son did not have to experience what I did.

Being resilient and answering the wake-up call to responsibility, I learned that I can have close relationships and that I am worthy of love. My wife and son are living proof of that!

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Dave Pelzer is a recipient of the JCPenney Golden Rule Award. In 1993 he was honored as one of the Ten Outstanding Young Americans and in 1994 as one of The Outstanding Young Persons of the World. Dave's books, A Child Called “It” (nominated for the Pulitzer Prize), The Lost Boy, A Man Named Dave, and Help Yourself, are New York Times best-sellers.


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