Finding Spiritual Solace After Suicide

In 1990 I received a subscription to Daily Word from a dear friend, which I have renewed for more than 30 years. Each day, I look forward to my morning ritual of reading the daily message with my coffee. I never realized how much I would rely on the affirmations and messages until 2018.

In 2017 my adult son, Brian, had a mental breakdown. He had been arrested for vandalizing cars he believed the CIA used to spy on him. All I could do was pray that he was okay by envisioning him in his jail cell surrounded by divine light and protection.

Brian’s arraignment was the first of many ordeals dealing with the court system and mental health crises. Upon Brian’s release, my husband and I gathered with Brian and his girlfriend to discuss ideas to help him find a way forward. He excused himself from our restaurant table, and we started to worry when he did not return. Our worst fears were confirmed when Brian’s body was discovered a short distance away.

Nothing prepares a parent for the overwhelming grief of losing a child, especially to suicide. Our lives were shattered in an instant, our hearts broken, and our only certainty was knowing nothing would ever be the same. Over the next days and weeks, memories of Brian’s life flashed in my mind like a movie. I saw him at every age doing the things he loved best—hiking, traveling, cooking, surfing, and snowboarding.

Taking Comfort in Spiritual Truth

During this heartbreaking time, I was grateful for the Daily Word messages that soothed my heart. I also took comfort in spiritual truth I had learned over the years: We are on earth only for a short time; we are spiritual beings having a human experience; and being here is our school to learn and grow spiritually. I found comfort in knowing God is with me and is giving me strength to persevere.

I understand now more than ever that love never dies and our loved ones are never far. Losing my son opened me and made me more aware and appreciative. Birds singing, flowers blooming, and gorgeous sunsets have made me realize how beautiful the world is.

One week after Brian transitioned, something amazing happened. I had just finished reading a book on suicide, which concluded with survivors’ stories of signs they had received from their deceased loved ones. I awoke the next morning to the sun streaming through the blinds. In the brightness something caught my eye, and I looked down and saw a shiny penny. I cried and thanked my son for letting me know he was in heaven. Other signs followed that one—lights going on and off, finding feathers along my path, and even more coins.

A year and a half after my son’s suicide, I felt a strong urge to write and published a memoir of his life. I cried, laughed, and went back in time to visit those long-ago memories of Brian’s radiant soul. Writing my feelings was cathartic. As I healed, I received more signs; rubber bands on my desk in the shape of a heart, and repeating angel numbers—11:11, 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44—on my computer clock.

Love Never Dies

I understand now more than ever that love never dies and our loved ones are never far. Losing my son opened me and made me more aware and appreciative. Birds singing, flowers blooming, and gorgeous sunsets have made me realize how beautiful the world is.

Brian’s life and death took me on a journey of self-awareness and a deeper understanding of myself as a divine being. Even in grief, I feel blessed to have had such an extraordinary son teach me the most important lesson in life—love.

If anyone reading this is considering making the choice my son did, please know your life matters. Your family and friends love you, and I pray you think about how devastated they would be. I know my son is at peace. I feel him and see the signs he leaves me, but I miss his presence. We would give anything to have him here with us.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Visit opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines.