Good Questions: Rising Human Divisions, Impatient Spouse Syndrome, and Parenting in Unity

Rising Human Divisions

Dear Dr. Tom: Why are people turning on each other so much these days? I thought I lived in a world where people wanted to get along, find middle ground, compromise, celebrate each other’s differences. Have I been deluding myself? The apostle Paul said in Romans 3:23, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I’ve never liked that verse, but was he right? 

—Shaken in San Antonio 

Dear Shaken: You have identified what a lot of people are feeling today. Short answer to your question, IMHO, is yes. Everybody has “sinned,” which is Bible-speak for “made mistakes.” Unity affirms the Divine indwelling everyone, but sometimes we use our God-given powers to make ungodly choices.

Here's the good news. Studies show most people still want the world you envision, a place to raise their families without conflict with their neighbors. We still want peace and mutual respect; cooperation rather than condemnation; prosperity and wellness available to all. But getting to the promised land has never been easy. Moses died in Egypt while the Hebrew slaves he liberated crossed the Red Sea. The Roman authorities beheaded Paul. 

We are emerging from centuries of tribalism and war. The challenge today is to avoid the temptation to fall back into old, divisive ways. It may feel good to surround ourselves with folks who think like we do, but that’s not the way to build a just society where all people are valued. Granted, some beliefs are so alien to my thinking that I have difficulty hearing their advocates as anything but bad, wrong, and dangerous. 

Here’s where Paul becomes helpful. Since everyone is capable of making mistakes, including me, I need to learn how to disagree with other people—strenuously, at times—without demonizing them. If I may be forgiven for quoting myself (The Many Faces of Prayer, Unity Books, 2013): “A yawning chasm separates ‘You got it wrong’ from ‘I see it differently.’” 

I hope today’s public debate brings us to a new awareness of what is truly important in life. Too many of the world’s people still struggle to find basic necessities. According to UNICEF, 2.1 billion still lack potable water, while more than half the world's population has no coverage for essential health services. If parents can’t provide food and clean water to a sick child, let alone medical care, our Left-Right politics and theological abstractions are a luxury they cannot afford. 

Maybe that’s why the great spiritual teachers have admonished their followers to care for the least among us—the poor, sick, aged, and imprisoned people. We will not realize our potential as a human species until we tolerate each other and unite to care for those who need our help. 

Impatient Spouse Syndrome

Dear Dr. Tom: I want to talk about problems with my husband, but he says we don’t have any problems. Well, I think we do. Everything from frequency of sex to how we spend money and how to raise the kids. The more I try to get him to sit down and discuss issues, the more impatient he becomes. Like I’m challenging his masculinity or self-esteem. It’s a stop-and-go dance. Do you have a Unity principle I can invoke to nail him to a chair while we talk? 

—Frustrated Wife, Pierre, South Dakota 

Dear Frustrated: Let’s start with couples’ relationship theory. The dance you’ve described is called the Distancer-Pursuer Dynamic and has been discussed by a number of scholars and counselors. Psychologist Harriet Lerner says when one partner (Pursuer) moves closer to discuss their issues, the other person (Distancer) backs away to avoid conflict. That is a formula for mutual frustration.

One way to close the gap might be to ask your Distancer for a specified time when the two of you can talk about things which are important to you. Assuming he agrees, you might limit your discussion to one or two specific issues. Topics as broad as money, child-raising, and sex allow too many opportunities for stacking up grievances or ducking issues. Maybe focus on how you can save money by cutting a few specific items. Perhaps you could ask if he has ideas about a particular problem with the kids, for example, how much internet time they should have on a school night. 

These are low-threat subjects to begin your new dynamic of dialogue. I don’t recommend starting with sex issues, your differing political views, or why he was flirting with someone at a party. Get to that later, after your dialogue skills improve. Speaking of skills, here are a few quick pointers. 

Try to use “I” messages and ask for assistance with your issues. “I would like it if you could …” Or “It helps me a lot when you …” Avoid accusations, or running a list of bygone grievances, or throwing zingers. It may feel good to fire away, but attack language always raises the other person’s defenses. Neither side moves closer if the catapults are hurling rocks at opposing castle walls. 

Love is hard work sometimes, but here’s where your question about Unity principles becomes so very important. Unity teaches people to affirm the good in all circumstances. We trust that God is with us every step of the way, and we know love closes distances because people desperately want to be cherished and affirmed. 

Parenting in Unity

Dear Dr. Tom: We are a Unity couple with two preschoolers. We are trying to decide whether to take them to a Unity church or let them decide what to believe when they grow up. Your thoughts? 

—Parents in Question, South Florida 

Dear Parents: Take them to a Unity church, or whatever religious institution works for you. Kids don’t grow up in a vacuum. If you don’t provide a basic grounding in a community of faith, somebody else will. Another student at school, a girlfriend/boyfriend, or some other person they respect or admire.

And there are people online who want to convince your children they are sinners who need to be redeemed. The only way you can steer them away from the briar patches ahead is to give them a positive, healthy foundation in a life-affirming tradition. Preferably somewhere they will learn about other religions without the judgmentalism so prevalent in the world today. 

I’m a Unity minister, so I’m rooting for the home team, but it’s your call.