Worthy—I Am
One LGBTQ Story of Divine Love, and the Power of Affirmations
To say I think I’m worthy today is an understatement. I don’t just think it—I believe it. Most important, I feel it. That definitely wasn’t always the case.
I grew up in a blue-collar, Catholic suburb of Detroit. In hindsight, I don’t think anyone felt truly worthy as there was a pervasive feeling of guilt and fear of God. For me, heaped on top of that pile of shared unworthiness was the secret of being gay. That exponentially multiplied my sense of not being good enough—a “sinner.”
My childhood was very, very painful. I could write the word very a thousand times because that’s honestly how scary and excruciating it was. When it came to “sins,” it seemed I had been given the most unacceptable of them all, the kind that God deemed disgusting.
As early as age 7, I was plagued with the fear that one day I was going to die and burn in hell forever. This daily trauma caused deep psychic and spiritual wounds in me.
I also was not the kind of gay kid who was able to hide my sexual orientation because my gender was fluid. (I didn’t even know that was a possibility until about 10 years ago.) That’s the part that made me naturally gravitate to playing with girls on the playground instead of boys. It made me more susceptible to hateful words thrown at me like sissy, faggot, and disgusting, combined with the constant threat of being beaten up.
Not a great beginning, huh? It does get a lot better, but not just yet.
I started coming out in college and found acceptance, which was amazing. I was also very blessed to have a family who loved me “no matter who you are.” But feeling so unworthy didn’t just go away because I had come out to my friends and family.
As I found my freedom by hanging out at gay bars and developing friendships with other gay men and women, I also started becoming addicted to drugs, sex, people, and anything I could find to give me some momentary relief from the constant self-rejection.
Many Painful Stages of Change
I hit bottom at the ripe old age of 24. I discovered 12-step programs through a dear friend, and I knew I needed them.
One Friday night I was walking home from a meeting. I knew many of my friends were out drinking and dancing and doing what they did every weekend. I stood on a busy street corner in Chicago and couldn’t move. One part of me craved to join my friends, and another part knew if I did I’d go down the slippery slope of addiction again.
Suddenly, an unexpected prayer rose up out of me. “God, I can’t get myself home. I can’t take care of myself. Please help me.”
Then Jesus came strongly into my mind—I had not thought of him for years—and I heard within me, Take my hand. I love you. Take my hand.
This might sound crazy, but I reached out my hand as if there were really someone there. I didn’t feel anything, but at the same time I knew something loving was helping me. I held out my hand and walked home.
Once safe in my living room, I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. Tears started to fall as the revelation of my undeniable, unearned, never-ending worth began to awaken in my heart.
Every day, I denied any power to the feelings of fear and unworthiness that were triggered at unexpected times. I affirmed over and over how loved and perfect I am.
How Denials and Affirmations Moved Me
The next years weren’t easy, but I started attending Unity in Chicago, and my relationship with God and Jesus was healed. In turn, throughout time, I healed my relationship with myself and ultimately others.
I used the spiritual tools I learned, especially denials and affirmations.
Every day, I denied any power to the feelings of fear and unworthiness that were triggered at unexpected times.
I affirmed over and over how loved and perfect I am. I took classes, went to services every Sunday, and kept immersing myself in a community that reflected to me how fabulous I really am.
I knew in my soul that God, the energy of perfect love, adored me. But it took time to believe it and for my body to become free from the memories of abuse.
One day at a time, I grew to love myself more and more and more.
Today, I am a minister. It is my greatest joy to help others know their worth and how deeply and dearly loved they are. It’s my job to assist people in becoming free from the fear of an external, punishing, score-keeping God. I am married to a beautiful man. We have been together for 24 years. My life is wonderful.