My Journey to Yes

“Call Diana.” I was stopped at a light on a short drive to the market when this directive came to me. Diana is the mother of my friend, Lisa. After meeting at my spiritual center in Los Angeles 17 years ago, we enjoyed theater performances, meals, and lazy, sun-drenched Sunday afternoons together. A few days earlier, Lisa told me Diana was visiting her elder daughter, who lives near where I now live on the East Coast.

I dialed Diana’s number. As I sat in my car in the parking lot, we caught up on our lives. Diana was effusive about the weekend workshop, “Align with the Divine,” I would be leading at a retreat center in New York’s Hudson Valley two days later. “I know it’s going to be wonderful,” she said. “You, more than anyone I know, have always been good about connecting within and going with the flow.”

I needed that reminder. For nine months, I had been anticipating the workshop with a mix of excitement and nervousness. Now it was time to lead it.

Going with the Flow

Later as I navigated the supermarket aisles, my workshop assistant phoned. “I guess you know why I’m calling,” she said. Actually, I didn’t. She shared that she wasn’t fully recovered from an illness and needed to be still. She wouldn’t be coming to help me at the retreat after all.

I was stunned. “I understand, and of course you should take care of yourself,” I said, adding, “Are you sure you don’t want to be still on the retreat center’s beautiful, serene campus?” Sadly, no. I called my partner. “I know it’s going to work out, but right now I am shaken,” I said to him tearfully. After I placed my groceries in the car, Diana texted to say she was glad I had called. “Me too!” I replied then gave her the news. “Please continue to hold all in prayer.”

“Just a bump in the road,” she wrote back. “After you cross it something magnificent will appear.”

I wanted to believe her, but all I could think of was how I was being forced to contend with another change. So much for Diana’s words about my always going with the flow! I thought of the many times I’ve had to let life carry me with my trust ebbing and flowing: the earthquake that greeted me upon my move to California; the deaths of my parents two years apart shortly thereafter; a marriage, a child, a divorce. I had always thrived when meeting life in all its fullness. I just wanted life not to change for a change!

Thank You, but No

Three hours later, Diana made an offer. “Karen, would you like me to be your buddy and workshop assistant?” She said she was happy to change her flight.

“I think it’ll be fine,” I said only half convinced, as I attempted to calm my nerves. “I don’t really need an assistant and I know of two friends who are coming.”

As a child, I had been taught not to inconvenience others and to say, “Thank you, but no thanks.” It’s in my blood. I remember one Christmas when my mother’s brother saw we had no presents, I overheard him ask her, “Why didn’t you tell me?” The spoken message in my family: What happens in the house stays in the house. The unspoken message: It’s better to give than to receive. My sister and I took the latter lesson to heart and were always thrilled to give clothes we had outgrown to our younger cousins. Receiving was more of a challenge.

After I rejected her offer, Diana replied, “If something happens and you change your mind, just let me know.” I realized that my breathing had been shallow. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, gratefully feeling into the space Diana had granted me by allowing me to engage in that most human of practices—changing my mind. I realized I was no longer the little girl who had to keep secrets. I didn’t have to maintain a brave front and hide my true feelings, afraid to be vulnerable. I could express my needs and accept help. This was the gift I could give myself.

I began to think about logistics. My travel plans with my original assistant were complicated, entailing a complex journey of trains and Uber rides. I was expecting a cumbersome time transporting the items I wanted to place on the altar I would create for the workshop space. Diana was willing to rent a car and drive. After I meditated, the answer was clear. Of course, I had to say yes. It was the most loving, most practical thing to do—for my own well-being. I realized I could be vulnerable and accept help. And isn’t that what it really means to align with the Divine? I was present with my authentic feelings by connecting within and reaching a state of clarity.

During the weekend, it became clear that Diana, along with many other participants, were having insights of their own. “You and Diana make a great team,” one woman noted. I couldn’t have agreed with her more.