Good Questions: Cringing Over Blunders, Duality vs. Unity, and Seeking a Life Partner

Cringing Over Blunders

Dear Dr. Tom: When thinking about life, why does my mind ruminate over the blunders? Like instances when I’ve spoken harshly, examples of personal cowardice, selfishness, or spite? I’ve done good things, but those are harder to dredge up within a wandering mind. Spiritual teachers say to forgive myself. Easier said than done. The older I get, the more it seems guilt is dogging my steps. (No offense meant to canines!) Suggestions, please? 

—Guilty Consciousness, Tyler, Texas 

Dear Fellow Ruminator: Some people can shake off pangs of blame with genuine self-forgiveness, empowered by their faith in God, however the Spirit is understood. While truly admiring such qualities, I struggle with that kind of psychological-spiritual dexterity in my own life. So let’s talk about it. 

First point: If major guilt is dragging you into long-lasting depression, the best course of action is to seek professional help. Plenty of assistance is available. Trust your inner guide to tell you how to find resources to deal with serious issues of depression. 

We are talking about recurring bouts of guilt pangs, not clinical depression. So, let’s see what tools are available for folks like us, who know that stockpiling condemnation serves no healthy purpose. 

Believe it or not, there is a plus side to painful memories. Guilt provided an evolutionary advantage for Homo sapiens. It allowed our ancestors to learn from errors and make changes when needed. However, obsessive concern for past failings can choke off personal growth and make life’s journey a valley of regret. May I suggest a few simple practices? 

Affirmation. Proclaim your freedom from old mistakes. I release any guilt, shame, and regret I may be carrying about words, thoughts or actions I have chosen. 

Meditation. Go within and summon the specific memory. Bless, release, and forgive everyone involved—including yourself. 

Reconciliation. Do something beneficial to counterbalance the haunting memory. If you spoke cruel words, spend the day spreading sincerely kind thoughts and compliments everywhere you go. It’s not necessary to track down the person you feel bad about offending. Although face-to-face reconciliation often heals old wounds, sometimes attempting to apologize for events long past may not work. Trust your guidance. 

Most of the world’s great faiths offer ways to assuage, release, and overcome guilt. Spiritual paths may differ—Buddhists are neither Baháʼís nor Baptists—but the goals of most religionists are remarkably similar.  

Paul told the first century Christians: “Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7) 

Duality vs. Unity

Dear Dr. Tom: How can you balance duality and unity on a daily basis?

—NW, Online Submission

Dear NW: You can’t. However, two ideas can be both true yet mutually exclusive. The same way we can “speak” by the abstract process of your e-mail (Aug 2024), my response a year later (July 2025), and whenever this gets posted to my online column, all without dislocating the space-time continuum.

If I look at the cosmos expressing as unity, then ultimate reality flows to my mind as Oneness. Except I am looking at the cosmos, which starts with a dualistic premise. I am looking at something outside myself, a reality which contains those very thoughts.

The key part of your question, I suspect, is the “on a daily basis” specification. For me, bursts of awareness about what Unity calls the One presence/One power come in rare display. Walking along the sea and land. Standing in a dry creek in the desert beneath towering mountains. Nights under starry firmament. At those moments of peak exposure, I have felt fleetingly aware of the Oneness.

Daily events don’t lend themselves to flashes of illumination. At least not for a retired Pennsylvania Dutchman. So, I give thanks and let the metaphysics of the cosmos run on autopilot while I check the email to see if God has written lately.

Seeking Life Partner

Dear Dr. Tom: Do you think it’s still possible to find a life’s partner in this discordant, online dating world? Are there really enough fish in the sea for me? 

—Longing on Long Island, Long Island, New York 

Dear Longing: Absoutely. But the world is full of sharks and dolphins—male, female and other designations. So, move into pools where the kind of person you want to find might linger and start fishing.