Good Questions: On Spirituality and Marriage

Spirituality vs. Religiosity

Dear Dr. Tom: You’re a doctor, right? May I have your prescription, please? I have heard people describe themselves as “spiritual, not religious.” I like the sound of that, but I don’t fully understand the difference.

I grew up in a home where church attendance was mandatory. It was a regular duty; to avoid it was sin. Now I seldom attend because the traditional church clings to old beliefs that don’t work for me anymore. Here’s the problem, and I may sound like a real hypocrite to admit it, but I still feel a profound sense of the mysterious divine presence when I visit the vaulted sanctuary of my childhood church, even though I can no longer comfortably be a member.

What’s the remedy, Dr. Tom?

—Lost Lady in Los Angeles

Dear Lady: Thanks for the ego boost, but the Doctor of Ministry degree allows me zero privileges to prescribe any remedy you couldn’t discover by over-the-counter study and introspection. Having issued a disclaimer, here are a few thoughts to consider.

First, be kind to yourself. Some of the deepest thinkers I know have described themselves as ambivalent on spirituality vs. religiosity. Often the difference is described as following an independent path to higher consciousness vs. participating in a traditional community of faith. But spirituality in its wild and joyous form can be found in organized religion as well. Mystics have glimpsed the divine oneness as solitary seekers or members of a long-established faith.

The question is: What works for you? In its essence, organized religion and personal spirituality all crave the sense of the holy which you experience sometimes in that “vaulted sanctuary” of your childhood church. Find what works for you and embrace whatever appears as an angel from the Divine within.

Marriage and Family

Dear Dr. Tom: I never thought I’d be writing a clergy-guy with a question like this, but here we go. My girlfriend and I have lived together six years now. My parents have always wanted us to get married, but her mom said it was cool as long as we love each other.

Now things have changed because we’re pregnant. Twins, the doctor says. When we told our parents, they were excited about having grandchildren, but the hoorays turned to fight-talk when I announced this doesn’t change anything. We don’t feel marriage is necessary in today’s world. They almost lost their minds. To make matters worse, her mom joined the pro-marriage campaign.

We now have a full-scale war across generation gaps. We can’t get together with any of our parents without an argument. I don’t know how to fix this, so we decided to ask you. Miracles happen, right?

—Gap Warriors
Internet Question

Dear Gaps: Uh … yeah. Here’s my non-miraculous response. I’d like to leap into the fray on your side, but you’ll have to color me ambivalent on this one. Like most of my generation (Okay, boomer!), I’m a strong believer in marriage. However, many people feel as you do, that official ceremonies and church consecration are not necessary when a relationship is grounded in love.

Historically speaking (don’t skip ahead, this part is good), marriage was about property and kinship. Often women were powerless to protect their children from the results of a breakup unless they had documentation which certified the birth and named a father. Even that didn’t always work.

Too often, women and children have been victimized by men who moved through life with nothing to hold them accountable for the children they sired. The problem continues today, as many social workers will tell you.

I am not suggesting you are anything like a deadbeat dad, far the contrary. You and your partner plan to share a life and family together, and you acknowledge you are part of a wider circle which now feels broken. Perhaps your parents would be less apprehensive if you and she drew up a document—a contract or trust—to specify your intentions. It wouldn’t be traditional marriage, but it could provide peace of mind for your extended family and each other.

I’m neither an attorney nor Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but as a “clergy-guy” I pray for the best outcome for all concerned parties. That includes your parents, plus you and your partner, and the two children you will raise and love together. Blessings upon you, and may your joyful union continue so long as love shall last in God’s great eternity.

Plural Marriage

Dear Dr. Tom: I’m asking this sincerely, as a woman of faith who’s deeply in love. The Bible is full of stories about guys who marry two, three, a thousand women, but are there any passages I’ve missed where a woman marries two husbands? You see, the “deeply in love” part is complicated, because I’m in love with two awesome guys.

Marrying two guys is a criminal offense right now in all 50 states and territories of the USA.

My question, Dr. Tom, is why? Isn’t it possible to love more than one person with the same kind of intimacy and passion that most people feel between themselves and a single spouse? What do you think?

—Too Much Love in Louisiana

Dear Too Much: Since you asked so directly, I’ll tell you what I think, but you must decide this for yourselves—the two gentlemen and you. You have presented a clear picture of the predicament, and I believe it when you declare your love for two people and express a desire to form a family unit together. So, if it works for you, let no one say ye or nay.

Here come the “however” thoughts. You already know that such a union will not be legally recognized anywhere. Polygyny, one man marrying multiple women, is legal in 58 of 200 sovereign states. Even there, most people practice monogamy, because the bio-math of human births doesn’t allow enough women for all men to have many wives. What you are proposing is called polyandry, one woman marrying multiple husbands. It is illegal in every country on earth.

You didn’t say if your two intendeds agree with your assessment and are prepared to form a family unit where joys and duties are shared among equals. If you decide to go forward, I will offer the same advice I gave to “Gap Warriors” (above). Draw up a contract, better still make it a trust, and spell out the issues which might arise. Parenthood, shared property, even mutual familial responsibilities should be included.

In any event, I pray for your happiness to continue so long as love shall last in God’s great eternity.