Making Peace with Grief at Christmas
The holiday season can be difficult for those of us who have experienced change and loss, who are grieving. It may be filled with memories and feelings about people or pets who have died or perhaps those who are no longer present at our holiday celebrations because of divorce or other estrangements.
For most people, this time of year is one for celebrating joyfully as we gather. Yet for those of us who are grieving an empty place in the circle, at the table, and in our hearts, the constant reminders of togetherness can add to the overwhelming sense of grief. Whether the loss is due to death, divorce, moving, leaving the nest, or any change in relationship, it can be emotionally painful.
Making Peace with Our Feelings
This grief we are feeling is valid, normal, and natural regardless of the bright Christmas lights, the carols being sung, and the delicious smell of cookies being baked. You might feel hopeless about ever feeling Christmas cheer and even wonder, “What is there to be joyful about?” You might even think you’d rather skip all the holiday gatherings.
My peacemaking practice for the holiday season is to accept, acknowledge, and allow. I accept it will be different. I acknowledge I may be uncomfortable. I allow the feelings and emotions to come as they may.
Your feelings and fears are not illogical or irrational. What I have come to learn and understand is that grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, to a change in any familiar pattern of behavior.
This familiar behavior could be many years old, like my being surrounded with 10 brothers and sisters on very loud Christmas mornings as kids, to this year waking up alone to absolute quiet now that I live alone. This familiar behavior can be more current too, from once hunting for the perfect pair of crazy dress socks for my husband to this year not buying any gifts. Knowing these are normal and natural reactions to loss brings me great comfort.
The good news is that grief doesn’t have to affect holiday seasons for the rest of our lives. We can make peace with our grief during the holidays.
My peacemaking practice for the holiday season is to accept, acknowledge, and allow. I accept it will be different. I acknowledge I may be uncomfortable. I allow the feelings and emotions to come as they may.
Giving the Gift of Gentleness
For me, here are some basic, practical, and emotionally helpful guidance reminders during this holiday season:
- I make a plan not to isolate even when I feel lost and alone.
- I am honest about how I feel. I sit with my feelings, and I talk about them.
- I decide which holiday traditions work for me and which ones to release and let go.
- I stay mindful of what and how much I am eating and drinking.
- I remember time doesn’t heal my broken heart; my actions do.
- I embrace being instead of doing and don’t get too busy.
Whatever you choose to do or not do this holiday season, give yourself the gift of staying true to yourself. To the best of your ability, seek out the places and people that allow your sadness and avoid those that ask you to pretend otherwise. Be gentle with yourself. Make this holiday season as much of a comfort as you can, as you take care of you and your heart.
May you be surprised to discover that even though there may be sadness, there may be moments of joy as well.
Excerpted from the booklet A Christmas of Light and Peace.
Rev. Therese Lee is the minister at Unity of Hilton Head, South Carolina, and a Grief Recovery Method specialist.